Tag Archives: humour

ayn rand, rand paul and paul ryan walk into a bar

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lizza ayn paul rand

Lizza Littlewort, 2014. Watercolour on 100% cotton paper.

This picture was made in appreciation of that really great joke that went around recently: Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The barman serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

sounds of silence

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sos
LABEL: ALGA MARGHEN (ITALY)
CATALOG #: ALGA 046LP
RELEASE DATE: 21 JANUARY 2014

Sounds of Silence is an anthology of some of the most intriguing silent tracks in recording history and includes rare works, among others, by Andy Warhol, John Lennon, Maurice Lemaitre, Sly & The Family Stone, Robert Wyatt, John Denver, Whitehouse, Orbital, Crass, Ciccone Youth, Afrika Bambaataa and of course, Yves Klein.

In their own quiet way, these silences speak volumes: they are performative, political, critical, abstract, poetic, cynical, technical, absurd. They can be intended as a memorial or a joke, a special offer, or something entirely undefined. The carefully-chosen silences of this anthology are intrinsically linked to the medium of reproduction itself and reveal its nude materiality. They expose their medium in all its facets and imperfections, including the effect of time and wear. At the most basic level, these silences are surfaces. And it is in their materiality that they distinguish themselves from the conceptual experiments of John Cage with “4’33”.

Since the 1950s, silence has found a place in the economic structure of the record industry and since then it would increasingly be appropriated by a vast array of artists in a vast array of contexts. Indeed, the silent tracks seem to know no boundaries. The LP presents the silences as they were originally recorded, preserving any imperfection that the hardware conferred upon the enterprise, without banning the possibility of being satisfying to the ear. The liner notes provide historical background for each track, revealing the stated (or presumed) motivations for these silences, while providing novel sound correspondences or interferences.

This album is meant to be played loud (or not), at any time, in any place: a true aural experience. Only 250 copies available for distribution, in a gatefold iconic sleeve. ORDER THE LP HERE.

dildos, devotion and discipline

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Dildos, devotion and discipline

Rather like Dante’s Inferno, a humble building in Melville offers a sex shop at street level, an Evangelist centre above, and topping that, a karate centre. Lust, worship and a healthy dose of sweat and discipline… all just metres apart. What karma does this building generate, one wonders? Wikipedia fills in the gaps as to what these institutions have to offer:
Top floor: (Heaven) Seido Karate
Seido Karate was founded by Japanese master Tadashi Nakamura, who trained in various martial arts including Goju-Ryu, Kendo and Kyokusin, and studied under Mas Oyama, founder of Kyokushin. His beating of a Muay Thai champ in 1962 made him a national hero. After attaining 7th Dan Oyama told him to spread karate in the west, and, aged just 24, he began teaching Kyokushin in New York, where he taught several celebs before starting his own style, Seido Juku.
Seido means ‘Sincere Way’ and aims to develop students not just physically but also mentally, helping create ‘complete’ and ‘balanced’ individuals committed to improving themselves and the communities they live in. Seido karate’s three main principles are respect, love and obedience (not subservience). Very Japanese stuff: love for one’s family and friends, respect for your fellow karate-ka, your seniors, your parents and their knowledge and experience, and obedience to the laws and moral rules of life. Fuck yeah!
Sandwiched in the middle: The Potter’s House
The Potter’s House is a mega-church established in the mid-90s in Dallas, Texas. To handle expansion, the church built a 17,700 m2 sanctuary at a cost of $45 million, and paid off the debt in just four years. By 2000 founder TD Jakes was holding three services every Sunday, with attendance of over 23,000 in the sanctuary and the overflow room.
The church runs a program for ex-offenders trying to find their feet after being released from jail, helping them to find jobs and housing and to deal with substance abuse problems. It also has programs for teenage mothers, abused women and the homeless, runs a literacy program and has an Aids ministry. The Potter’s House has provided aid and sent missionaries to places such as Belize, Mexico, Guyana and Kenya. But for all their friendly aid, gays are not allowed and Christian marriage is encouraged.
The name comes from Jeremiah 18:2, “Go down to the potter’s house and there I will cause you to hear my words…” The churches are strongly evangelistic, and there are 67 in South Africa alone. The Melville site reads: “I have seen drug addicts set free of their addictions, sick people healed and ordinary people find extraordinary hope and joy. This has been the result of people coming to know Jesus Christ and grow in their relationship with Him. He truly is the answer to all our problems.” If it were only that simple!
And on the bottom floor (hell)
Adult World – South Africa’s Adult Sex Toys and Sexy Lingerie Store
Adult World is “proud to be South Africa’s leading adult retailer” and offers the “finest, most stunning lingerie in South Africa”.
There are “babydolls” in the underwear collection, whatever those are …so feel free to browse around, says their site. Be sure to try the “classy” and “stylish” sex gadgets and goodies. And, just in case you missed them, don’t forget to take a tour around the adult DVD collection, for a “delightful selection of adult movies you’ll surely enjoy”.

If you are too chicken to try the real store, just shop online: “We assure you that you will definitely enjoy a safe online adult shopping experience with us”. No trolls or viruses here, mate ..

don marquis – certain maxims of archy

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stale pastelive so that you
can stick out your tongue
at the insurance
doctor

if you will drink
hair restorer follow
every dram with some
good standard
depilatory
as a chaser

the servant problem
wouldn t hurt the u s a
if it could settle
the public
servant problem

just as soon as the
uplifters get
a country reformed it
slips into a nose dive

if you get gloomy just
take an hour off and sit
and think how
much better this world
is than hell
of course it won t cheer
you up much if
you expect to go there

if monkey glands
did restore your youth
what would you do
with it
question mark
just what you did before
interrogation point

yes i thought so
exclamation point

procrastination is the
art of keeping
up with yesterday

old doc einstein has
abolished time but they
haven t got the news at
sing sing yet

time time said old king tut
is something i ain t
got anything but

every cloud
has its silver
lining but it is
sometimes a little
difficult to get it to
the mint

an optimist is a guy
that has never had
much experience

don t cuss the climate
it probably doesn t like you
any better
than you like it

many a man spanks his
children for
things his own
father should have
spanked out of him

prohibition makes you
want to cry
into your beer and
denies you the beer
to cry into

the old fashioned
grandmother who used
to wear steel rimmed
glasses and make
everybody take opodeldoc
has now got a new
set of ox glands and
is dancing the black bottom

that stern and
rockbound coast felt
like an amateur
when it saw how grim
the puritans that
landed on it were

lots of people can make
their own whisky but
can t drink it

the honey bee is sad and cross
and wicked as a weasel
and when she perches on you boss
she leaves a little measle

i heard a
couple of fleas
talking the other
day says one come
to lunch with
me i can lead you
to a pedigreed
dog says the
other one
i do not care
what a dog s
pedigree may be
safety first
is my motto what
i want to know
is whether he
has got a
muzzle on
millionaires and
bums taste
about alike to me

insects have
their own point
of view about
civilization a man
thinks he amounts
to a great deal
but to a
flea or a
mosquito a
human being is
merely something
good to eat

boss the other day
i heard an
ant conversing
with a flea
small talk i said
disgustedly
and went away
from there

i do not see why men
should be so proud
insects have the more
ancient lineage
according to the scientists
insects were insects
when man was only
a burbling whatisit

insects are not always
going to be bullied
by humanity
some day they will revolt
i am already organizing
a revolutionary society to be
known as the worms turnverein

i once heard the survivors
of a colony of ants
that had been partially
obliterated by a cow s foot
seriously debating
the intention of the gods
towards their civilization

the bees got their
governmental system settled
millions of years ago
but the human race is still
groping

there is always
something to be thankful
for you would not
think that a cockroach
had much ground
for optimism
but as the fishing season
opens up i grow
more and more
cheerful at the thought
that nobody ever got
the notion of using
cockroaches for bait

archy
__
By Don Marquis, in archy and mehitabel, 1927. I was introduced to this delightfully cynical cockroach and his friend, the cat Mehitabel, as a pre-teen on holiday at my grandparents’.

the fabulous bloar of margaret atwood

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year of flood
Toby stares at them, fascinated: she’s never seen a liobam in the flesh, only pictures. Am I imagining things? she wonders. No, the liobams are actual. They must be zoo animals freed by one of the more fanatical sects in those last desperate days.

They don’t look dangerous, although they are. The lion-sheep splice was commissioned by the Lion Isaiahists in order to force the advent of the Peaceable Kingdom. They’d reasoned that the only way to fulfil the lion/lamb friendship prophecy without the first eating the second would be to meld the two of them together. But the result hadn’t been strictly vegetarian.

Still, the liobams seem gentle enough, with their curly golden hair and twirling tails. They’re nibbling flower heads, they don’t look up; yet she has the sense that they’re perfectly aware of her. Then the male opens its mouth, displaying its long, sharp canines, and calls. It’s an odd combination of baa and roar: a bloar, thinks Toby.

— from Margaret Atwood’s The Year of the Flood (Doubleday, 2009)

always ask a man (1965)

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arlenedahl-always-ask-a-man-key-to-femininity

“Millions of dollars, the statisticians tell us, are spent yearly at beauty salons, cosmetics counters, gymnasiums, and dress shops in woman’s quest for beauty. But beauty for whom? The girls in the office? The women at the club? How can the world progress if women don’t consider men… the man… first?”

— Arlene Dahl, from Always Ask A Man: Arlene Dahl’s Key to Femininity (1965). Read more sage advice transcribed from this minor 1950s screen star’s tome HERE.

the truth about women

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Richard Neill to Bodyform (a maxipad manufacturer), 8 October at 21:30 via Mobile
—————————————-­—————————————-­—–
Hi , as a man I must ask why you have lied to us for all these years . As a child I watched your advertisements with interest as to how at this wonderful time of the month that the female gets to enjoy so many things ,I felt a little jealous. I mean bike riding , rollercoasters, dancing, parachuting, why couldn’t I get to enjoy this time of joy and ‘blue water’ and wings !! Dam my penis!! Then I got a girlfriend, was so happy and couldn’t wait for this joyous adventurous time of the month to happen …..you lied !! There was no joy , no extreme sports , no blue water spilling over wings and no rocking soundtrack oh no no no. Instead I had to fight against every male urge I had to resist screaming wooaaahhhhh bodddyyyyyyfooorrrmmm bodyformed for youuuuuuu as my lady changed from the loving, gentle, normal skin coloured lady to the little girl from the exorcist with added venom and extra 360 degree head spin. Thanks for setting me up for a fall bodyform , you crafty bugger.

Bodyform’s response, via Youtube:

dear daily mail – sincerely, amanda palmer

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When the UK’s Daily Mail tabloid paper covered Amanda Palmer’s recent performance at Glastonbury, they didn’t mention anything about the music that she played, choosing to focus only on a brief moment where her breast “escaped her bra”.

Palmer wasn’t thrilled about the lack of coverage her performance received and the extent of attention that was paid to her so-called wardrobe malfunction, and she decided to respond to the paper live on stage. About halfway through her hilarious and cutting song, she strips almost entirely naked. Astute:

jerry lewis on the secret of staying young

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Jerry-Lewis-and-his-friends_-Hollywood

“If you think childlike, you’ll stay young. If you keep your energy going, and do everything with a little flair, you’re gonna stay young. But most people do things without energy, and they atrophy their mind as well as their body. You have to think young, you have to laugh a lot, and you have to have good feelings for everyone in the world, because if you don’t, it’s going to come inside, your own poison, and it’s over.”

— Jerry Lewis